Why Relationship Apps Are Uniquely Helpful for Men, According to a Couples Counselor

The smartphone’s role in a healthy, fulfilling relationship doesn’t stop with dating apps. Relationship apps, or apps designed to stoke the flames of existing partnerships, can provide everything from provocative conversation starters to gentle reminders to show care in a certain love language, and according to licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Shane Birkel, they might be especially useful for men. 

“Men tend to be more analytical — they tend to like using tools — so I could see how apps would really resonate with men looking to do something special in their relationship and connect with their partner,” said Birkel. “Game-ifying some of these things could be cool. Almost like ‘Look! We scored 10 points on our relationship this week!’ It shows them that they’re working on their relationship and making progress.” 

Assigning points to bond-building might sound odd, but relationships, like people, are complicated, and it’s best to have a variety of tools in one’s arsenal.

Paired, one of the most popular relationships apps, was founded in 2019 as a way to provide couples with a convenient, digital framework for bonding and deepening their connection. The company consulted with relationship experts and built out discussion frameworks around notoriously contentious discussion topics for couples, like domestic chores and shared finances. There are also weekly quizzes for tracking progress over time. 

It might sound analytical, systematic, and the opposite of romantic — but that thinking can get couples into trouble, said Dr. Joe Kort, a licensed master social worker who specializes in couples counseling. 

“I like the idea of relationship apps because couples are private [about their] issues, which gives the impression that every couple is doing just fine,” said Kort. “People feel like whatever is going on in their relationship isn’t normal. Every relationship takes work, and tools, like apps, can be helpful with that work.”

Birkel explained that everyone comes to a relationship with different expectations about what a healthy one looks like. “If I grew up in my family and think that something is normal but have a partner who grew up in an entirely different family who thinks [something else is] normal, oftentimes that creates communication problems or relationship problems,” he said. 

“The apps can be really helpful if they’re educational,” he added. “‘[If they] let people know what a healthy relationship should look like.” A few of these apps do just that. 

Paired contains exercises written by relationship therapists and scientists that help foster healthy communication. 

“I might be bringing my assumptions and my partner is bringing their assumptions, but it’s nice to have a framework or a structure — rules around how we’re communicating that we both look at and agree on,” said Berkel. 

Particularly for those who have a more difficult time expressing themselves, having an external moderator for sensitive conversations can help them find the words. 

Relationship Apps and Men

But what makes these apps just so helpful for men?

“In relationships, when their partner is trying to express strong emotions, oftentimes men have a very hard time accepting that or being vulnerable,” said Berkel. “[They can also] have a hard time expressing their own emotions or asking for help.”

Birkel said that while he doesn’t have intimate knowledge of relationship apps and their unique functions, he believes certain features of the apps would be helpful for conflict patterns he observes in couples. 

“I can see how it would be really helpful, particularly for men, to have more assistance with the emotional language that they might want to use,” he said. “To be able to have a guide for saying things in a way that might feel more vulnerable or feel relationally healthy — I definitely think that could be good.”

Data regarding relationship app usage by men is very limited. Still, a small randomized trial from Adelaide, Australia found that men are more likely than women to be motivated by specific goals and tracking offered within so-called “well-being apps.” (In contrast, women focus more on the overall purpose.) 

Brian, a man in his 20’s from Brooklyn who agreed to speak with SPY anonymously on the subject, has used Paired in his relationship with his girlfriend. He said his experience with the app has been a “great one.” 

“It allows my partner and I to continue having productive, thoughtful conversations that push our relationship forward,” he said. “Given that we’re a semi-longer distance couple, it keeps important topics top of mind while also throwing in the cheesy fun topics.”

“For someone who tends to feel a sense of anxiety around ‘deeper’ relationship-minded questions, it’s a good way to break the barrier of having them more regularly, which takes away the stress of such topics,” he added. 

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